Dear Craig:

Well, it’s official now, isn’t it? A week ago we were pregnant, but today now not so much. I know you were hoping against hope — your heart even prayed a little, I think, even if the rest of you doesn’t even believe. Your scientist’s mind wanted the math on our side, but the numbers, in the end, didn’t lie (and I know this is little consolation).

There is no longer a blastocyst, an embryo, whatever: dare I call it a baby? The other day, when you pressed your mouth against me and spoke, we thought something was inside us. Perhaps even by then, it was no longer there. But still you spoke (a bit too high I think, more to digesting Twizzlers and a latte maybe, but just as sweetly as if it hadn’t been my stomach). I loved it anyway, and your optimism, wherever it may flow from. It is the thing that keeps me sane through this. And the jokes, too, which is why I find calling what has happened a way “to clean all the cobwebs out from down there” altogether funny and not at all offensive. That’s how it goes in this house: a little humor goes a long way.

We are all disappointed, I know, even the funny furry one. But we have each other. Today is probably the saddest day of my life. The day I married you was the happiest. I choose the happiest.

Forever and ever,



  1. becoming-mom said,

    Tuesday, June 3, 2008 at 8:58 am

    How did I not even know you were going through all of this?? I am the most selfish blogger in the world. I am so sad for you and Craig. I will be thinking of you and pulling for you every day until I hear the happy news that you are pregnant again with a sticky baby!

  2. Mom Quixote said,

    Tuesday, June 3, 2008 at 9:05 am

    Don’t be silly Ariana: as if you didn’t have enough going on already! You need to concentrate on keeping Jasper nice and cozy in that belly of yours. Besides, I hadn’t posted anything about it over at The Higher Nest. Figured better to begin a new blog just about TTC/someday-motherhood over here on WordPress. Actually I may need your CCS consulting services very soon!

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